Bitch, Please: How to accessorize
I present without hesitation the only logical answer to the reality that men are only sometimes capable of behaving humanely towards women.
There is little to no accountability, responsibility, or capability to simply identify women as human beings. Consistently, women are told they are responsible for wearing the right thing, being in the right place, and making the right decisions. Men are seemingly on the same level as wild, rabid beasts, and those beasts have bright futures, so you know, don’t tempt them or they’ll fall like feral dominoes and the world won't fault them for it.
No amount of “having a conversation about consent” has mattered over the years. Nothing presently existing in society’s toolkit will put the onus on them.
This is not to advocate violence against men, but meant to be a helpful list that will acknowledge what we all know at this point in history. Men know right from wrong, yes from no, and do not care. They know what’s ‘legal’ or that legality can often be fizzled down to an essay.
We are not safe. Like a freshly baked pie on a windowsill, we are too irresistible and thus must adapt to ensure our survival.
Ladies' Accessories
Every modern woman knows the importance of a well-chosen accessory.
No woman's ensemble is complete without the essentials!
THE NO-NONSENSE NOZZLE
Common Pepper Spray. Easily fits in your bag. Potent enough for his derelict decision-making.
Are you a modern woman?
Do you enjoy dancing? Cocktails? Brunch? Walking with your keys between your fingers to your car?
Then you'll adore the No-Nonsense Nozzle, America's favorite way to compensate for a man's failure to respect personal boundaries!
Available in a variety of colors and fashionable sizes!
Because sometimes a woman needs something a little stronger than “Please don't touch me.”
The No-Nonsense Nozzle
For when he won't take no for an answer, but he will take capsaicin.
BUZZ OFF
The Stun Gun. Because “hands off” isn't sufficiently electrifying.
She's smart! She's stylish! She's carrying several thousand volts!
Be electric ladies: this fashionable little companion is designed for women who enjoy the finer things in life: an evening with friends, concerts, strolls, and the thrilling possibility that a strange man might decide her boundaries are merely suggestions.
Compact enough for your handbag and ready for those special occasions when a man has mistaken your body for a public utility.
Why waste your evening explaining consent when you can simply carry the consequences?
Buzz Off:
Some men require a physical demonstration.
NOW HEAR THIS
The Personal Alarm. Small enough for your purse. Loud enough to announce that someone doesn’t understand that “No” is a complete sentence.
Do you value your personal safety?
Of course you do!
Simply pull the pin and let The Lady's Little Screamer do what your perfectly reasonable request for personal space apparently could not.
Perfect for walking home! Parking garages! Dating! College campuses! Public transportation! First dates! Second dates! Existing in public!
Now available with a convenient keychain attachment!
Why should he have to learn that frightening a woman isn't flirting when you can carry an emergency siren everywhere you go?
YOU’VE GOT OPTIONS, LADIES!
The Personal Arsenal. Fashion-forward accessories for the woman who likes to be prepared.
Unlimited choices. Collect ‘em all?
From keychain self-defense weapons to tactical flashlights and retractable batons, there's a little something for every occasion when a man's manners aren’t at his disposal.
Perfect for existing in public!
Why stop at accessories?
Add a few self-defense classes, and you might just make it to your car unscathed.
The Personal Arsenal:
Because a handbag full of weapons is the new little black dress.
Nothing says liberated modern woman quite like knowing how to accessorize for the possibility that a man may decide a lady's body belongs to him. It doesn’t matter if she’s somebody’s mother, sister, or daughter, men are simpletons that rarely stop each other’s poor behavior - maybe for fear of being assaulted themselves, goodness knows that’s not off the table.
You don't have to be strong enough to stop a man. You simply need to carefully accessorize.
We live in a time that includes an administration that was voted in on the premise of “this guy speaks his mind!” and when he suggested “Grab ‘em by the pussy” folks seemed to think that was cheeky, acceptable rhetoric suitable to any boys’ club or, in this case, higher office of authority. Hush up “woke” mobs, this guy’s a celeb from a reality show that bankrupted casinos but is somehow considered ‘business savvy’... He’s a nincompoop in a pricey suit with a silk tie that is totally illogically also “for the working man,” and his golden toilet is the proof that shitting in his diaper is a manly choice he makes.
That same blob expressed concern for the Cornell 7. Maybe the full 57 earn his admiration. Women are still treated as less than equal by these simple-minded baboons who are somehow in charge of everything. For now.
None of this is new. Women have been accessorizing for male violence for centuries. If that sounds radical, darling, don't worry. There's an accessory for that too. It's called a spine.
Bitch, Please is an ongoing series that is not just about being called a bitch. It is a cultural analysis explored through personal narratives.
Bitch, Please: Age Inappropriate | Bitch, Please: Little Hands, Big Mosh Pit | Bitch, Please: Ladies Tea | Bitch, Please: Etymology
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